Me Time in the #MeToo Era

Sometimes I feel a little blue not being active with One of Us this past year. I constantly remind myself that taking Me Timein the Me Tooera is healthy for myself. I took a step back to breathe and new voices stepped forward to share their truth. 

I had to step back from constant bombardments of information and conversations about sexual violence as I dealt with increased symptoms of PTSD. I also needed to step forward in other directions in order to reset and refresh. Thankfully, stabilized medication combined with healthier coping mechanisms helped with stepping forward in other areas of life in order to accomplish personal and career goals.

I share the below as a reminder to myself that although I may feel stagnant in one area of life that I have been very active in others.

Baby Girl @DelilahtheSammy, travels, and DC/Baltimore friends.

Personal Development

•  Brought home the most adorable and sassy Delilah the Samoyed pup. Check out her adorable puppy photos and videos on Instagram- @delilahthesammy. You won’t regret it.

• Purchased a car and relearned how to parallel park after 9 years of not driving.

• Relaxed and explored new travel destinations including Peru and Puerto Rico.

• Moved from DC and a beloved community; slowly building a community in Baltimore.

One of Us on Amazon, guest speaker at different community events, and Beer≠Blowjobs campaign.

Personal Projects

• Published and made available online paperback versions of One of Us: Sex, Violence, Injustice. Resilience, Love, Hope. Engaged in community events and shared my truth.

• Produced the Beer≠Blowjobs campaign (needs to be revitalized and completed). 

Leadership roles within the International Social Work Organization at UMB and within the Returned Peace Corps Volunteer community in Baltimore, Maryland.

Service

• Lead the International Social Worker Organization at UMB as President.

• Organizer within the RPCV/Baltimore group.

Fellow at the National Peace Corps Association, trafficking consultant at Catholic Relief Services, 5 years at Peace Corps HQ, and finally got that Masters in Social Work.

Career Development

•  Completed 5 years within the Office of Safety and Security at Peace Corps HQ.

•  Designed framework for an RPCV Support Network at the National Peace Corps Association.

•  Co-wrote the Guide to Counter Trafficking Programming at Catholic Relief Services.

• Graduated with a Masters in Social Work/ Community Action & Social Policy from the University of Maryland, Baltimore. First year, worked full time in addition to classes. Second year, worked full time while taking classes and also completing a 16 hour a week practicum. Third year was a breeze with only classes, 24 hours of practicum, and leading student group. 

• Started my 8th year of public service with the Federal Government.

I’m excited about gradually engaging in conversations and sharing knowledge gained through grad school. I can finally breathe again after a few years of survival; now I am excited to pursue that life of significance

What Should a Rape Victim Wear to Trial?

I couldn't control the actions of the man who chose to rape me but I could control the outfit I wore when I testified against him in a court of law. 

I wanted to be respectful to the military professional standards of dress and appearance since he was active duty Navy at the time of the assault. I was a civilian in a military trial playing by their rules. I asked the prosecuting legal team what advice they could give when it came to appearance in court as a rape victim.

• Hair up or down?
• Glasses or contacts?
• Suit with pants or skirt?
• Or dress pants and a nice shirt?
• Black, blue or a different color?

As silly as it may have seemed, I believed that first impressions made a huge difference on how people judged you. I wasn't familiar with the military culture and I wanted to give a respectful good impression.

Below is the response from the legal team...

---

Hi Sandi,

I am more than happy to help you out on the clothing front. As a former civilian prosecutor, I definitely know how tough a balancing act dressing for court can be. This is a bit long, but I tried to break it down by outfit component.

Suits: I suggest that you start off with a well-tailored, nice suit, dark colored, in tropical wool or something similar. (The fabric type should be the least of your worry, but if you have the choice, go with the natural fabric). I encourage you to wear something with feminine (but not super-girly) tailoring—you do not want to look like you threw on a men’s suit, or a very boxy woman’s suit, since those tend not to fit well. Try Ann Taylor if you’re looking to buy a new one.

I do not suggest a straight-up plain black suit. They can look very nice, but they can also be boring. You do not want to be boring, believe it or not—not that you want to be a party girl, but you can’t appear like a kid playing dress up with her parents’ clothing. If you have something in a charcoal, or a dark dove, that would be great as a plain solid. Blue is not my favorite for solid suiting, it somehow always looks dated. You want to look together and professional—not prudish and out of date. Pin striping or herringbone is also great, provided it is well done. I’d avoid houndstooth as a pattern for anything.

Suit Jacket: Do not go for one of the cropped jackets, or one with ruffled or rounded lapels. They tend to look less formal, and more “girl on her way to her first job at a magazine.” I suggest more traditional peaked lapels, and a longer jacket. They’ll be sleeker looking and more professional in court. Your lapels should be moderate in width, tending slightly toward more narrow than more wide. Do not get a jacket that’s too tight. A lot of women buy these tight, cropped suit jackets, and it just looks like they shrunk their suit in the wash.

Suit Pants: Wear a pants suit, not a skirt suit. With a skirt suit, you’d need to have the skirt go below your knees (and remain below your knees while you are sitting), wear panty hose and be sure that you are hyper-vigilant every time you cross your legs or move at all. Pants are just going to be easier. Nothing too tight or low rise.

Shoes: Shoes should be nice, fairly plain, well shined and neither superhigh in heel, nor super pointy in toe (or super boxy. Please do not go and buy a pair of, for want of a better term, old lady shoes. A two-inch heel, something between a chunky heel and a stiletto, almond toed, is what I am picturing. Patent leather if possible.) Also, wear socks or hose with them.

Shirts: I wouldn’t wear a white shirt, or a pastel colored shirt—unless either happens to look better on you than any alternative. I would look for a saturated color that looks good on you without being obnoxious. If you have a collared button-down shirt, that’s ideal. If not, a plain long-sleeve T-shirt should do the job (J. Crew sells good ones, if you’re looking to buy). Definitely long sleeves. Just do not wear anything low-cut, clingy, sheer, or stained (I know this sounds obvious, and I am not worried about you, but I have seen some horror stories). If you have tattoos, do not let them show.

Jewelry: A conservative, understated wristwatch is fine. Earrings are fine. I wouldn’t wear more than one pair, if you have multiple piercings. I’d go for simple studs, not dangling earrings. You can wear a necklace if you wish, but none of those big statement necklaces. Something very simple, on a chain. If you normally wear a ring, as long as it is not a huge cocktail ring, that should be OK, but if you do not—the rule about looking in the mirror and removing one accessory before leaving the house is just as true for court as anywhere else.

Hair: Some will say you need a bun. I am not sure what your hair looks like, or if your face type is one that looks good in a bun. Frankly, it’s more important that you look pulled together than that you hit a checklist of things someone else tells you to wear. I would do a low ponytail, a low bun, just nothing too messy. I wouldn’t let it out, I would tie it back in some way. Do not worry about trying to do a military bun.

Makeup: Minimal. Powder or foundation to keep off the shine (even if you normally do not get shiny, I am assuming you’ll be nervous which will up that shine factor). Light mascara, light matte lipstick or stain. Skip eye shadow and liner. Maybe some blush if you’re worried about looking pale. No gloss!

Glasses or contacts: Wear whichever makes you feel more comfortable—if you try something too new on the stand, you’ll feel awkward and the members will pick up on it, but will assume a different reason than the fact that, for example, you usually wear glasses but today you’re wearing contacts.

Purse: Do not worry about your bag; you won’t take it to the stand with you, so the members won’t see it.

That was long, but I hope it helped. Please feel free to email me or call my office if you have any questions.

--V/r, LTJG Genevieve Loutinsky

---

I printed the email, highlighted the key points and went shopping for the most important “interview” outfit of my life. Here’s the rundown:

• Simple earrings: $14
• Suit jacket and pants: Originally $368 but half off at $184
• Three shirts: All on sale totaling $75
• Pantyhose: On sale at $15
• Shoes: Half off at $35

$323 for a single outfit.

I had no any idea how much pressing charges would cost me in time, energy and actual money. If I hadn't been serious about seeking legal justice to do my part in holding accountable the actions of the man who chose to rape me in hopes of preventing him from traumatizing other women, I would have dropped out of the legal process.

It's been almost 5 years since I walked into that courtroom and testified for 2 days.  I still have that outfit and call it my "Taking Care of Business" suit. It's the same one I wore when invited by the DoD Director of the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Office to speak as a civilian about the military legal process.  

Seeking legal justice can be as traumatizing, if not more, as the initial assault. Thankfully, I had a legal team and an amazing security guy who was there for me along the way. They were willing to answer (potentially to them) trivial questions such as what I should wear as a rape victim but anxiety filled for me. 

I couldn't control the actions of the man who chose to rape me but at least I felt confident in how I looked when I testified against him in a court of law. 

This post if based off of a chapter in my book "One of Us" - Interested in learning more about my experience of life after assault and seeking legal justice? Pre-order your copy of "One of Us: Sex, Violence, Injustice, Resilience, Love, Hope" here today!

We've Come Too Far to Give Up Now

I know you probably wouldn't guess it, but I played the mic in a local indie rock band once upon a time.

I didn't like the attention but I did like writing and singing with a mission. I had the ability to write lyrics that others would hear. I wrote about a variety of topics such as a friend's struggle with cutting, sibling conflict, and also my own adverse childhood experience with the boy down the street. 

The One of Us: Sex, Violence, Injustice. Resilience, Love, Hope chapter titled "I Have a Secret" goes into depth about a one time "show me yours (or else)" situation. This one experience impacted me more than I ever realized. Not until I read the book Bitter Chocolate: Child Sexual Abuse in India by Pinki Virani in the spring of 2009 did I break down realizing how wrong that situation had been.

"I Have a Secret" was the second hardest chapter to write, only behind the chapter depicting the violent rape in 2010.  It's raw, genuine, relatable, and brings to light issues we don't want to face yet hurt us and our loved ones the most. 

Originally when I was writing after the 2010 assault, I added the below lyrics as a reminder that I had experienced trauma as a child. It was a reminder of how compassionate I had become towards others who had experienced adversity and how I wanted to support and empower others who lived through trauma. 

Read the below and if interested, pre-order your copy through the Publishizer campaign found here. One of Us is a book with a mission that has already impacted the lives of individuals- we want a publisher to help us reach and impact more.

If you or a loved one experienced child sexual abuse and you would like to talk to someone anonymously, check out the hotline on Rainn.org - the people on the other end are trained to give you support, information, or a referral.

“5 years old, already a statistic
White clothe child meets boy with corrupt intentions
I was warned about you
the boy down the street with homemade treats
Alone in the room, the door closed shut
Questions filled my chest.

We played and we laughed, life was going okay
Until the door closed, taking innocence away.

You grabbed my wrist, needed control
Left me bleeding on the floor

I left running, oh running, from the brutality
Hoping to forget such foolish stupidity

Crayons could never speak the nakedness she felt
Drawing side show bodies of shame and doubt,
She would hide in herself for years, could she love a person she fears

We’re taking back, taking back our innocence,
Forgetting, forgetting the shame we once knew,
We’ve come too far to give up now.
”

— The Desperation, 2005

Anxiety Filled Holiday?

This year, I'm dreaming of a world without violence. One where we don't live with the understanding that at any moment, any person, could potentially choose to hurt us for their gain.

Sometimes, family members or close family friends choose to hurt us. Holidays can increase anxiety especially for survivors of family violence. We may have to sit at a dinner table with an individual who causes conflict in our souls since we wanted them to love and protect us but instead they chose to abuse and violate us.

We each react in different ways. We may sit there in silence, be avoidant, or feel like we are on auto-pilot simply so we can get through the day. For some unknown reason, we may get upset or lash out. We may feel sick, unable to sleep, or that our insides are building up to a panic attack just thinking about being in the same room. These are all normal reactions to the abnormal experience. Once we understand what's going on, we can be more aware of our physical and emotional responses and how to work with them rather against.

3 tips on surviving the holidays:

1. Know yourself- try to be in tune with how you are feeling physically and emotionally. Possibly write down when you have strong, or lack, emotions. Write down what was happening right before and see if there is a pattern. Understand what makes you feel safe and loved. Understand what makes you feel like there is the possibility that someone will endanger or hurt you.

2. Set boundaries- once you know how certain interactions may impact you, think of healthy ways to deal with them. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. You do not owe it to anyone to make them happy especially if this means sacrificing your own safety, betraying your intuition. As awkward or anxiety filled it may feel, saying no to certain activities is your right. Are people talking inappropriately about something? Maybe say something simple like "not cool" and suggest a different topic of conversation. Maybe their response will be one of confusion since they aren't used to you standing up for yourself. Setting boundaries may be difficult when we are used to letting people walk all over us. Time to take the first step of setting expectations of how you will let others interact with you.

3. Reach out- some days are rougher than others. A simple comment may trigger a deep hollowness and the watering of eyes. If possible, talk to someone you trust beforehand and ask them to take note of simple ways to support you. Identify a word or a touch on the elbow that means you need a moment out of the room. Take a break and breathe. Your trusted person will also need to practice self-care as they support you. Asking for support is not selfish. If you feel more comfortable talking to someone anonymously, check out the hotline on Rainn.org - the people on the other end are trained to give you support, information, or a referral.

Maybe someday our dream of a world without violence will become a reality. For those of us who have experienced violence, we can hold on to the comfort that we are not alone in our struggles. We choose to love and support each other along the way- especially this holiday season.

Day of Resilience

This is my Day of Resilience. On November 5/6 in 2010, an individual chose to change a consensual interaction into one of selfish violence. That single interaction lead to a year and a half of seeking legal justice and many years of introspection building up to where I am now. 

This is the first Day of Resilience where my book “One of Us: Sex, Violence, Injustice. Resilience, Love, Hope” detailing the assault and life afterwards is publicly available on Amazon. I am thankful for the conversations of solidarity with others that this has sparked. I am thankful for the vulnerable conversations of pushing forward and encouraging each other. I am thankful for the ripple effect and how some acts of kindness or speaking out truly do make a huge difference in the lives of individuals and in our communities. 

I have a request. I want you to be a part of the ripple effect. 

In the past few months, we have seen an increase of public awareness around the continuum of violence from sexual harassment to groping, aggravated sexual assault to rape. Will you help share my story in support of individuals who have experienced these things and to say that you will not tolerate individuals who disrespect and violate others? Below are things you can do:

1. Buy a copy of my book. Go to the header of this page or directly to Amazon and order a book. Buy a copy for a friend. Buy a copy for a younger sibling in college. Buy a couple of copies and give them to your local rape crisis center. Let me know and I’ll try to send you a “You are Beautiful. You are Good. You are Loved.” postcard.
2. Tell the world how much you love my book. Post about “One of Us” on facebook and Instagram. Add whatever hashtags you want and tag @oneofusmovement or @SandiAlaska. Write an article about “One of Us” for your local newspaper or for an online blog that you love. Take an awesome photo of you and the book and post it everywhere you can.
3. Review “One of Us”. We are up on Amazon and Goodreads. This doesn’t have to be a high-pressure thing. A simple sentence with 5 stars preferably. The more reviews, the better the chance that someone else will randomly find “One of Us” online and then their life will be changed forever.
4. Invite me to your artsy events. I’ll do a reading and hopefully a grown man will cry. I’ve only heard of this happening and haven’t seen it in real life. Yet. My life is still a bit hectic with school but I’ll make the time since I believe in community and sharing struggles and hope together. I’ll bring books and a sweet photo backdrop. Check out the One of Us Movement facebook page and the soft launch photos to get a taste of what I’m talking about.
5. Nominate “One of Us” to be your next book club book. If you haven’t heard, book clubs are a great way to get friends together to read books, but more likely, drink wine. You’ll need the wine with “One of Us”. If you have a decent size group, I can get you a discount on the books. I’ll have them shipped directly from the warehouse to your front porch. “One of Us” is about solidarity and encouraging each other. Make friends and start a book club if needed.
6. Share this post with everyone you know. I have a limited amount of people that I can reach. You have hundreds of friends on here that only you can impact. You are their only hope in learning about “One of Us”. They need you. I need you.

I want to thank you for loving me through the shenanigans whether we’ve known each other since elementary school in Alaska or more recently while I finish up grad school here in Baltimore. Please know that I appreciate you. 

Speaking of, in this photo, I have the copy of “One of Us” where people at the soft launch wrote little notes for me. You make me smile. Thank you for helping me feel again and thank you for loving me. I am exactly where I need to be in life right now and I couldn’t have done this without you.